You can feel bad if it makes you feel better
I have a parental quandary for all y’all out there in Internet land in regards to the kiddo.
But also re: parenting myself.
Yesterday I bumped a car in the parking lot at the daycare. With the kiddo in the car so he could have front row seats to me handling this mess.
I planned it that way.
So one, a dad friend saw the whole thing. So embarrassing.
Two, when I figure out the owner of the vehicle, he’s talking to another dad friend who get’s to hear my pitiful “I’m sorry, I bumped your car.”
Just a lot of witnesses to me fucking up. I don’t like it.
Anyway.
Dad of bumped car is super cool and nice about the whole thing. I am practically groveling for forgiveness. Payment for repairs yet to be determined.
And when we get back to the car, besides telling me that I need a new car with a screen (backup camera) the kiddo tells me:
“I’m proud of you.”
For what?
“For saying you’re sorry.”
That’s all it is to a four-year-old. I did the hardest, bravest thing ever for saying sorry without being told to.
Glad to have the chance to model that for ya’ kiddo.
My question regards today.
After clearly feeling pretty upset about it yesterday, I could still feel the tinge of embarrassment today. Which I have to say, for me, is pretty good. I was able to tell myself this was an accident, it happens.
No telling myself I’m shit or I’m a bad driver. Or a bad person. Just an accident that I still feel mildly upset and embarrassed happened.
Somehow this morning the kiddo starts asking about it. Again. Because… 4-year-old. And I mention still feeling bad about it.
He is totally confused.
“Why mommy? It was an accident.”
And I start trying to compare the light scratch on someone’s car to when one of his friends breaks his toy. And that I don’t want to upset other people.
He is still stuck on it being an accident.
So I ask, “So you’re saying since it’s an accident, I shouldn’t feel bad about it?”
Yeah.
“Hmmm. Maybe you are right.”
Because I DON’T KNOW!!!
I have low self-esteem and enough guilt for an entire Catholic church on Easter Sunday. But what the heck am I supposed to be teaching my child in this moment?
Empathy for others and to realize they might feel bad and that saying sorry doesn’t just erase everything? And that as a caring person you shouldn’t be ok with upsetting other people?
OR
Is the 4-year-old right? I did it on accident, I handled the business of trading info. I apologized. A lot.
So I should just move on?
Seriously. Interwebbings. Help me parent my child.
And myself.
5 comments
I’ve had something like that happen to me. I felt so bad. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. But eventually, I moved on to feeling bad about something else. 🙂
You just GET ME.
You’re doing great, EJ. I think a mesh of the two is probably the best route- you can teach empathy without beating yourself bloody. Yes, it was an accident and these things happen, but you did the right thing, apologized and will pay for repairs. Now forgive yourself for being human, laugh at yourself a little and Pat yourself on the back for raising a kid that tells you he’s proud of you for doing what’s right! Seriously, that’s big ❤️
I think explaining why you feel bad is fine(emotions, empathy all good lessons) but then accept the lesson from your son. You did all the right things. You still feeling bad doesn’t make his car better. Would you want kiddo to feel bad for days after spilling something or breaking something on accident? You would want him to admit fault, apologize, offer to help and try to be more careful next time right?
Kids see things in a simpler way sometimes and adults can learn from them too.
Yes. I keep being told to parent myself like I would the kiddo. And you’re right. I wouldn’t want him feeling bad for days.