I Grind ’til I Own It

 

 

I dream it, I work hard, I grind ’til I own it

 

It should be a Metric Monday.

But I haven’t been keeping stats.

I haven’t been writing.

And I haven’t been eating particularly healthy.

 

So here is a different set of stats.

Days since I quit my job: 268

Pounds I’ve lost since then: -6. Yeah I gained six pounds.

Hours in therapy: 22 at least.

Panic Attacks: 1?

Healthy recipes tried: quite a few actually

 

But where does this leave me? And what have I been DOING?

Feeling bad, trying to feel better.

Feeling guilty for quitting, contemplating going back.

Trying to convince myself housewife is an important job title and to be proud of doing housework.

Fighting with my child. Fighting my own tendencies and bad habits.

Napping.

Oh and FREAKING THE ‘F’ OUT about this election. I can’t stop checking the news for the next INSANE bit of ass-clowning to be uncovered. It’s a train wreck.

And I’m rubbernecking.

So I therefore have no time to write or clean the bathroom. Sorry.

But lately this Beyonce song is going through my head on nonstop repeat. Like all the time. Particularly ‘albino alligators’ at odd times.

I think I’ve listened enough that I’m finally pumped up.


“I see it, I want”

I finally have picked a path. No more torturing myself on what SHOULD I be doing. SHOULD I go back to teaching. SHOULD I be reading up on education issues and secretly planning how to save the world.

No. I had a revelation yesterday. I saw a job post out in my old district and was tempted to apply.

But then I started considering what that would mean for my family and our life and shit actually getting done.

And I realized I am actually really freaking important to my family in the role I am in right now. I take care of so much crap for them. Not to mention I actually get to be less stressed and be the rock of the family. I used to tell the hubby I couldn’t be his rock, but maybe a pile of rubble he could rest on.

But now I’m a ROCK.

That feels pretty damn good.

I realized I am not doing things perfectly or consistently, but that the baby steps I’ve been taking towards a healthier life are super good for my family. I am actually important to my family.

Which should be pretty obvious, but it’s not always to low self-esteem girl over here.

So I feel pumped.

Pumped to tackle my role as housewife not just because it was the consequence of quitting, but because I really want to do good by me and my family.

Pumped to lose the stupid extra six pounds I gained and then even more.

Pumped to work hard and make a difference in my life. And then the world around me.

Pumped to “grind ‘til I own it.”

 

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Metric Monday- week 4

Boy oh boy. Traveling and eating well are NOT a good mix.

What were my goals?

Eat salads, avoid pancakes, share with the hubby, avoid Dessert Gallery.

How’d I do?

I ate one salad. I shared one meal with the hubby–it was the only time I had pancakes.

But I followed up that shared meal with a piece of Chocolate Cheesecake.

We were eating at a place with the word ‘pie’ in the name. I couldn’t help myself.

But chocolate cheesecake for breakfast–bad, bad choice.

Low moment: Not sure if it was the chocolate cheesecake, or the BBQ we brought friends for lunch, but my tummy said FUCK YOU. And it said it in the car. So I made friends with a gas station bathroom. And it was one of those ones where you have to ask for the key, so they totally knew I was in there for a long time. EMBARASSING.

Achievement: I met with the BFF, and we didn’t just eat. We walked around the park with the kiddo. A train ride was even involved. But I was more excited that we walked enough to make her FitBit vibrate and scare the shit out of her.

Goals for this week: Gladly, gladly cook at home. That’s one thing about eating 9 meals out in a row. I really want to eat home cooked plants now.

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Metric Monday- Week 3

 

It’s just another metric Monday

 

How much do I NOT want to write about last week?

Two birthday cakes, two birthday dinners, a kid’s bday party, a housewarming party, and the whole donut disaster.

I can’t even.

But I guess that’s the whole balance thing–finding a way to be social without hurting yourself. But all that social was a bit much for this introvert.

As was all the food.

Ugh.

 

Week 3.

Out of 21 meals…

I don’t even know. Really. I lost track. But I know I was out a lot. I know there was lots of pizza somehow. And cake.

Workouts- 2. And they were lame. One was pretending to trampoline with my kid. One was chasing his ass around the park while he tore off on his bike.

Low body moment: Chasing the kid. It hurt my body which just really made me feel out of shape. Which I am.

Accomplishment: Ummm….. Trampolining? It’s something that you think would be hard for the bigger set, but it actually wasn’t. Didn’t hurt my joints or my back. Pretty fun too.

Goals for this week:

Actually keep track of what I’m doing. How did I not even do THAT last week? It was only the third week?!?

I know.

Habit. Hard to form. Hard to break.

So my goal for this week–do things just for the sake of building a habit. Perhaps I can’t be instantly healthy. Perhaps I can’t completely change my eating patterns. Perhaps I lose focus on the longterm goal. But surely I can remind myself to do something for the simple goal of building a new habit.

Then it’s not about things that are months down the road. It’s about each step.

Step by step… That’ll be a video for another day.

I know. You can’t wait.

 

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Metric Monday- Week 2

 

Everyday is a winding road

I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

 

 

I feel like I made some progress this week, according to my metrics. But in terms of how I feel and how my body will change, it’s hitting me that it’s going to be a long road. Which is cool. Yet frustrating.

I wanna have more energy NOW. I wanna be able to chase my kid NOW. Especially since that’s becoming his favorite game. Ya’ know… nanny nanny boo boo, you can’t catch me.

But change is hard. I was just talking to a friend about habits. How something that used to be a treat, the cupcake once every few weeks, starts to become more and more regular.

For me this week…

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Metric Monday- Week 1

I can’t wait to write about my Vegan Valentine’s and all the new info I learned just from one day of experimenting.

BUT…

I told myself I would do some sort of record keeping. Some sort of measurement of my progress.

As a teacher (at heart) I am pretty fucking sensitive to measures and tests. Children often get summed up by a test score. And it often doesn’t look good, and it often doesn’t give a real sense of the progress they have made.

So I want to be careful in how I judge and weigh myself here. Clearly, the easiest answer is to track my weight. If I think my weight is holding me back, I should track if I am losing any.

But just like my former students, there is much more to me than a number. There is much more to this journey than a number.

scale

So what really matters?

For my students, I feel like it matters what NEW things they can do (what they have accomplished), and what fuel they have been feeding their brain. Did they memorize a fact, or did they do an experiment so they truly understand the reasoning behind the fact?

What have I accomplished and what fuel have I been feeding my body?

For now, I think I will measure the following: plant-based and meat-based meals, exercise, eating in and eating out, treats, low body performance moments, and new accomplishments. I hope most of these are self-explanatory. Eating in must be better for me than eating out for no other reason than portion control. I think eating more plant-based meals will be better for my body in many ways. Sweets are clearly not a healthy choice. I also want to keep track of what makes my body feel bad, but also what it accomplishes each week.

Week 1.

Out of 21 meals… (3 meals a day x 7 days a week)

Plant-based- 4

Meat-based-17

Eating Out- 10

Eating In- 11

Treats- 15 (and this is moments of treating, NOT number of treats. Each moment might have involved a couple of cookies, not just one)

Workouts- 3

Low Body Moment: Eating mainly waffles for breakfast. Afterwards, I wanted to curl up and die/fall back asleep. Food should be energizing. If it makes me wanna go back to bed 30 minutes later, I’m doing it wrong. Damn refined carbs.

Accomplishment: By my 3rd walk around the neighborhood, it actually felt doable. I can get my body to move.

What do I make of all this?

Goals for this week:

  1. Lay off the sweets. Aim for one sweet a day instead of indulging twice a day. Jeez EJ.
  2. Plant-based- Three out of the 4 were me shoving a banana with peanut butter in my mouth as I ran out the door. This is not a meal and shouldn’t really count. Goal–eat full meals. 
  3. Workouts- Keep it up. It’s a slow start, but it had to start somewhere.

So it’s not just about the number on the scale. It’s about making healthy choices, building a new lifestyle. This is week one. This is where I am. And now I have a better picture of where I need to go.

Come check back tomorrow to read all about my Vegan Valentine’s Day. It was nuts. And exhausting. Is cooking a workout?

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