Stop ta-ta-talking that
Blah blah blah

So after a rough morning with the kiddo, a distressing phone call with my mother, and dealing with airline BULLSHIT, my blood is boiling.

But I actually tried to do something healthy with it. I walked the dog.

In shorts that are too tight on my butt and a shirt that is too tight on my…everything.

And guess how many fucks I gave?

0

Well, maybe one. But I was trying really hard to ignore it.

I looked ridiculous, I know. And to top off my look I was wearing this weird sport belt thing my mom gave me that carries poop bags, keys, etc.

And yes. I was also picking up dog shit while rocking this look.

Don’t be jealous.

But it felt really good to be outside. Walking. Not being too hot because I’d insisted on wearing pants to cover my thunder thighs. Oh no, it was all hanging out and it was quite refreshing.

So FUCK THEM.

Whoever is making you doubt yourself or judge yourself.

Fuck them.

Articles that tell you it’s impossible to lose weight because your metabolism will slow down.

Fuck them.

Just eat more veggies and do it anyway.

We all get to fight for what we want.

Even if we have to get stinky with the dog shit to do it.

And guess what. Everyone does. Except for people who never try.

Don’t be that person (talking to myself here).

Now I’m going to go clean my fucking house.

Ke$ha is clearly going to go have some angry hate sex. Or at least she was before her issues with her producer.

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

So those that know me might find it funny to find out that I see Easter as a way better time to set resolutions for yourself.

It just seems to fit–rising from death, new life, saviour.

But perhaps that’s just me being overly dramatic. I can’t be content to just make a goal for the year, I have to feel like I’m saving myself from some disastrous path I’m on.

Or it’s because I did get saved from a disastrous path one Easter.

This year marks 15 years since the Easter when I was at the lowest I’ve ever, ever been. I’ll just say depression and leave it at that. But I hit bottom on a Good Friday back when I was 21. So yes, alcohol was involved.

It was terrible and scared the shit out of my family, my boyfriend. It scared the shit out of me. I guess in some ways it’s good. It was a wake up call that I needed to stop letting my depression get the best of me.

And I never have again. Not like that, or anywhere close to that.

But this Easter I again feel an urgency to change my life.

And it’s my health. It’s the same path I started out on two months ago, but it’s time for a recommitment. Traveling, depression, family illness, have all thrown me off track. I’ve allowed them to throw me off track.

So time to recommit. Time to rise and start a new life.

1. Find a counselor. I actually have taken the first step and have a call into one. Let’s see if she and I can ever stop playing phone tag.
2. Cook at home. Enough is enough with the eating out. Jeez, stop being so lazy.
3. Walk. Just walk. Start there. Build up.
4. Get back to tracking my metrics. You don’t know if you are making progress if you don’t track it.

That’s it for now. Start simple. One foot in front of the other, one choice at a time.

But it is Spring, it’s beautiful. Time to enjoy life and stop beating myself up for my fat rolls and lack of fitness. Time to move in the right direction.

“This is the day your life will surely change

This is the day when things fall into place”

And it’s scary as shit. I’ve quit my job, leaving my poor husband as the sole bread-winner. I left teaching mid-year. Which no one does. I’m lucky I didn’t lose my teaching certificate. I’m at home now, every day, struggling to be productive and useful.

And healthy.

That’s the whole point. Why I’ve said goodbye to this huge part of ME- teacher, to reach out into the unknown and try to make something of myself. Something I can live with. Be happy with. Because I haven’t been happy.

And my theory goes that these two are intricately connected- health and happiness. How can I be happy if I don’t feel like me any more? If my damn body won’t do the things I want it to do? If my unhappiness is driving me to eat mad amounts of donuts and chocolate? Which then leads to my body doing even fewer of the things I want it to. Which then leads to unhappiness, which then leads to… oh you know how this goes.

So my goal, my focus, for this very quarter-life crisis, unfocused time, is to find the balance of health, motherhood, social merriment, and all the other things that make life complicated. To find out what really matters to me- what makes life worth living. And, as I’m 35, I have to take the future into account. It can’t just be about today and what I can do in this moment. But where do I want to be down the road- when my child has a child? What quality of life can I start building for myself? Guaranteeing for myself for the future?

As of right now, my weight is definitely holding me back. Lowering my quality of life. I weigh about 225 pounds, placing me in the “considerably obese” category according to my doctor. And I’m tired- like all the time. And I can’t chase my kid or even go for a good walk at this point. And this is not me. I am not the couch potato. I fucking climbed mountains in Peru. And Chile. And Yosemite. And some of those I did totally alone with 40 pounds on my back.

THAT is ME.

And though my kid makes it pretty clear I will be having limited alone time in my near future, I want to climb another mountain damn it. Even if I have to drag the little bugger with me.

I know there is this “Body Positive” movement and this “Health At Every Size” movement. And I really want to explore this. Because my experience right now is that my body is not positive, nor is it healthy at this weight. Can I climb a mountain at 225 pounds? Maybe- I know there is one lady who probably weighs more than me and is planning to do an Ironman. Which is amazing. But is that healthy? Like, long term, on your joints?

And as far as body positive- loving yourself, doing away with fat shaming. Yay and cheers to that! But as much as I shouldn’t beat myself up for how my body looks, isn’t it FAIR to be disgruntled with it’s limitations? If it won’t DO the things I want it to do?

So that’s part of the project- research. What does science say about obesity and health? I think conventional wisdom says obese is not healthy. But then there are all these articles that pop up to show us that BMI isn’t everything. You can have better blood work as a fat person than lots of skinny folks.

But what all is involved in being healthy? In being prepared to have the most productive life ahead of you as possible? I shall investigate.

So I hope you will join me on my journey. My journey to get healthy, to move my body, to eat better, to FEEL better, and to research how all these parts are linked together. How to rise above my weighted life.